How To Win Any Argument

I was inspired to write this after a sharp exchange with Gnat. Obviously, cutting my arm just to watch me lap up the blood is not my idea of entertainment.

There are some really simple guidelines to follow. Of course, I assume that the exchange is between guys; the fairer sex plays by a different set of rules.

1. Keep your voice down – You are not in kindergarten. Shouting at the top of your voice or blatant interruptions just do not cut it anymore. Besides, why not make him work to listen to you? If there is an audience, you get the bonus of appearing in control.

2. Facts and figures – Crush him. Feel free to fake it, by the way. Most effective against evangelical irritants of any faith, unless they happen to have C4 strapped to the chest.

3. Listen – Encourage him to talk and create an opportunity to drive a truck through his argument. Be ruthless, and ruthlessly patient. Learn from the Japanese: get the enemy to dig a hole before you bury them in it.

4. Achilles Heel – Ruthlessly exploit a single weakness in the opponent, not necessarily the argument. Pick your battles. Look up ’salami tactics’ and leave him nothing to stand on.

5. Focus – Never get carried away and go off-tangent on irrelevant stuff. If your opponent is a word wizard he might just be distracting you from a potential masterstroke. Stay on-topic, and never hesitate of accusing your opponent of attempting to hijack the discussion for selfish, twisted ends.

6. Apologise – Disarm him and make him feel bad about minor mistakes on your part, such as a poor choice of words. Get the moral high ground, and keep it. He will feel cowed, and try to reciprocate; just steer the return favour in a well, favourable direction.

7. Check emotions – Frustration and despair simply reinforce your opponent’s confidence. Play more blackjack and poker, with real cash. Inflict them mercilessly on him though, and where possible inspire humour in the audience; at his expense, of course.

8. Velvet Glove, Iron Fist – When you need to intimidate, go big. My personal favourite and specialty, except I do not employ it in arguments. Never threaten, that makes you seem like the bad guy; only ever promise bad things.

9. Manipulation – Let him do the resolution your way. Again, another high-level skill which will take much experience to master. It is dead useful though for creating stylish exits when facing a losing battle.

10. Shut up – It is impossible to argue against someone who refuses to say anything. Just shut it and let him burn himself out; once his fire is all spent, kick him while he is down, and kick hard. After all, you did suffer for quite a long while under his rantings earlier.

Like I said, I assume your opponent is male. If you happen to be facing a member of the fairer sex, especially if she is close to you, I would suggest getting out of there. The only thing that is only ever going to come out of that is emotional blackmail.

3 simple rules:

1) The way to argue with a woman is with your jacket/hat; grab it and run.

2) She always has the last word in any argument; anything you say after that is the start of a new argument.

3) Do not bother to try and make sense of anything, it will never work unless the conclusion involves something being entirely your fault.

Piaroh-Cze:

Cars and racing will undoubtedly be the last bastion of chauvinism.