7 Morning 8 Morning

The reason why I have not posted for the past few days is because Santa invited me to the North Pole to observe his operations.

Just part and parcel of my job. Then after that I had to submit a report to his board of directors as to why they should retain him as CEO of Christmas Inc., not to mention reassuring a hundred and one shareholders on the profit value of the company despite it giving away iPhones for free. All that on top of the elves’ trade unions.

……

If you believed all that, you are incredibly high on Christmas spirit.

So high, that I would think you need the good ol’ ‘Santa-does-not-exist’ therapy.

So, who is Santa anyway?

Santa the Capitalist

It is freaking obvious. All the commercials, the shopping, the gift-buying, the shopping, the spending, the buying, the shopping, the wishlisting, the shopping, more shopping, even more shopping, never-ending shopping……

In fact, the only thing that beats the amount of shopping is the amount of profit-making. There is no doubt about this; Santa is a capitalist. A petty bourgeois, in fact, he exploits his proletariat elves in his manufacturing business.

Also, notice that most toys nowadays are labelled ‘Made in China’; solid proof of outsourcing.

So Santa is a capitalist.

Right?

Santa the Communist

Even more obvious is the undeniable fact that Santa likes red.

A lot.

Other than that, there is also his task of ‘redistributing’ the world’s wealth right? By giving away all those presents to all children around the world based on their ‘indoctrination’ in the story of Santa. ‘Nice’ children believe in Santa, ‘naughty’ children do not.

Also, Santa’s North Pole obviously centres around manufacturing and is well-industrialised. I mean, it has to be, in order to churn out so many toys. Those are necessary conditions in Marxist theory for a communist revolution!

I bet that if Santa dyes his hair and beard black, he will look just like Karl Marx.

Yeah, Santa is definitely a communist. I bet he has the Russian FSB taking care of security and secrecy for him, which explains how he remains virtually invisible (stupid pun, I know). Put in a different light, having is stuff made in China may actually be part of some anti-intellectual-property-rights conspiracy with Beijing to cheat American brand names.

Santa the Fascist

After all, it is always a ‘White’, not a ‘Red’, Christmas.

Anyway, come on, Rudolf? Donder? Blitzen? Who else would give his reindeer German names?

Santa, you are a fascist, if not a downright Nazi. I mean, Christmas is celebrated on December 25th by Catholics and most Protestants, though not by Orthodox Christians and observed by Jews only as a cultural event. So it is quite logical that Santa would desire some form of revenge.

Besides, you know how he’s always portrayed as bald when without the cap? Now that’s because Santa’s a skinhead!

Santa the American

The present form of Christmas was ‘invented’ in New York less than a century ago. Enough said.

By the way, the Protestant Boxing Day is the real date for opening Christmas presents, not Christmas itself. Yet another example of how Anglo-Saxon culture is bastardised from across the Atlantic.

Santa the Republican

Let us see; Santa is white, he is fat, he is old, he is male and he is decidedly religious, possibly evangelical. That makes him a gun-toting, war-mongering, abortion-clinic-bombing, jihadi-torturing, tax-slashing, FTA-negotiating, Ku Klux Khan Republican.

Lest you object, you would do well to remember that some years back, Santa gave Saddam to Bush as a Christmas present.

Santa the Democrat

Well, seeing that Santa is actually tolerant enough of ‘infidels’ to not trample them over with his reindeer, I would say that maybe he is not that conservative after all.

How do I know he is a Democrat?

Well, his favoured form of punishment for ‘naughty’ children is a Christmas sanction, right? A classic Democrat tactic.

Santa the Green Tree-Hugger

Face it. The man lives on a giant iceberg. Come global warming, he is just going end up homeless. Obviously he is going to side with the Greens.

In fact, he has the greenest economy on Earth. By forcing elves into slavery, he needs no machinery, and that means no pollution. By driving reindeer all over the globe instead of using a jet like everyone else, he saves on fossil fuel.

Genius, really.

Just who is Santa anyway?

Piaroh-Cze:

That which does not exist may have any attributes that do.